Waiting on a Moment

I've noticed through my days of life, though not many by any degree at only 19 years, things never go to plan. Most things I plan fall through, sometimes its worse then other times. I like to plan ahead sometimes, but other times, I don't want to get my hopes up. There are even times I feel like I put in more effort than those around me to make plans. I had, on the way back from  breakfast for dinner, a philosophical discussion with a friend of mine that ended in confusion, not because she didn't make sense, but because it made too much sense that it contradicted the way I thought. There are few people who can change my mind on things, and they usually have to present a pretty good case. There is one question I still don't understand, and that is how one can live selflessly and yet remain focused on making sure we don't fall below our own good. In a sense, if being a better person is developed from what experiences, choices, environments and various other factors, then how is it possible to live selflessly? Since in the end, trying to be selfless you are focusing on what you do, and therefore you are the main focus. Do you have to balance selfish thinking and humility? If so, what is the extent?

Beyond this question there are many different things. First, define being selfish, and second, what is good? Can every choice be considered black and white or is there a gray area? Before I confuse everyone though, perhaps I can get to another subject that has been on my mind for some time. Being confident in myself has led to giving up opportunities all around me. I've taken classes in public speaking and drama, even a few broadcasting classes. Yet I still find it hard to express myself fully. I don't trust many people, especially those who make no effort to be friends with me. I try to be a friendly and sociable most of the time, but there are some people who make it difficult, or find me at the wrong time. The wrong time being after hearing a little bit too much crap coming from people's mouths because they don't know what they are talking about.

What is it that separates me from someone else? Is it my looks, my personality, my attitude? What makes someone else better than me? I've asked myself this many times, especially after being told a significant other chooses to be with someone else. If I'm no good, and yet am told I am good, does that make me good? They say there are many fish in the sea, but there are only so many fish I can stand. I wish people could be a little more upfront with the way they think of you, it would set the foundation for any future relationship, be it friendly, romantic, or otherwise. I would want to be told, because if we don't realize what we do that affects people, and trust me, even the way people chew gum can have an effect on others. Regardless of weather we admit it or not, we all make the first impressions of people the moment we meet them. We take in everything we see and notice, their hair, their facial structure, their clothing, their stance, their eyebrows, their nose, etc... all in seconds of meeting them, and set them in our perspective as who we are. I'm right some of the time, but not always.

One of the reasons I love the television series Lie to Me, because its true, you can tell someones reaction to things based on the expression they display. I try hard to be nice, yet I find so often that being nice so often never gets me anywhere. As well it seems I reply the opposite of what I want to say. Sometimes I want to say the nastiest things, but instead don't and move on. This internal war of mine has been waged since I first realized what I might have gotten if I disobeyed the authority of God, my parents, and my own conscience. Growing up was easy, the hardest part was keeping my soul in tact. If anyone tells you that you should do something, ask yourself who it is that is asking. I follow the rules not because I'm afraid to break them, but because I have no fear of reprisal. That is not to say I have never broken the rules, or done something I regret, on the contrary, I can remember almost every time I've lied, cheated, or avoided the truth. Its nothing new for me to make mistakes, its the kind of mistakes you make and the process you go through to mend them.

Someone once asked me what I would do if I stood before God. I answered by saying that I would get on my hands and knees and wait for His judgment on my life. I'm not proud of everything I've done, and I have yet to do plenty. If there is one thing I have learned about my internal struggle it is that no matter what, the only place I can truly find a reinforcement for that better part of me is in the Holy Bible.

Good Men

The biggest thing I've noticed when growing up and something that I never noticed till after I developed into the person I am now. People have described me as "chivalrous" though I could not use such a deep word to explain me. To me, we are the product of our circumstance, our environment, our parents, and our friends. Without these we'd turn out into different people. Nothing would be the same. For many that is a good thing, but sometimes I feel that I needed to experience some of the wrong things growing up. While growing up doing the right thing was as natural as walking, not because it was inherent, but because that was what was expected of me. In that, could it be possible I set a bar of expectation for myself too high?

People say I'm one of the good guys and that I shouldn't be like all the other guys. Yet, in the end, it always feels like I finish last every time. There is very little I seem capable of winning, be it hearts, minds, games, or even a race. So I'll be the first to admit that it is difficult to do the right thing, seeing the winner on that first place pedestal and see me on the second or third. In addition to this, setting such an expectation of doing the right thing set me up to develop a knack for deception. I can look people in the face and lie, even shift blame onto someone else without anyone realizing it. This gives me the feeling of hypocrisy, and reading Dante's Infero as well as the Holy Bible, being a hypocrite is just as much a sin as any. As I said last week, I am no better than a homeless man, no better than a whore, and no better than an addict.

I love my family and my friends for being the people they are. A few can tell when I'm lying out of my teeth, others seem to be able to have undeniable faith in me, which I thank them for. It is never hard being me, it is simply complicated. This blog was meant to be personal, an inside look at what goes through my head almost every day. Are good people always strong? Not always I suppose, but I never want to let someone down. Every time I do something I know is wrong, everyone that sees me as good comes to mind. As a kid it was easy to be good, if I didn't put myself into a situation to make anyone upset with me, then I was good. Now, as I get older, it never feels black and white anymore.

Earlier this week I had a good friend of mine tell me there needed to be more people like me in the world. The statement made me feel appreciated and very good. I never intentionally fish for compliments, I find it distasteful to do so, but it always feels good to get a compliment. Never underestimate the power of a kind word. I am a horrid contradiction, for I love people and find them amazing, yet find myself disliking my internal struggles and griefs. What I fear is that what I give others as a representation of myself is merely a mask, and that the real me is hidden behind layers of what I want others to see.

Through the Looking Glass

They say home is where the heart is, yet what if I don't really know where my heart is? Often times I find myself wondering what it is I want. There are always surprises when we look at ourselves and question weather or not we really did something with good intentions. At least I'm surprised sometimes. I've found that more often then not, I'm doing something because I imagine an end result that benefits me. As terrible as it is, the end result is hardly what I had desired, and I am glad for that. That is because if what I truly intended actually had happened, I'd probably have multiple STD's and have multiple illegitimate children in different states. So I thank God for not giving me what I wanted in these circumstances.

The unfortunate thing is that I don't often take the time to thank God for saving me from my own selfish desires. Being so caught up on all that surrounds me on this earth. Beautiful women especially, I have the privilege and honor to be related and friends with so many, I tend to get distracted. Swearing and using the Lords name in vain are common in my workplace, and at times I find my own speech melding into a similar direction, with little to no resistance on my part. Though I know God still smiles on me, even if I don't deserve it, for sending me those friends that can metaphorically slap me across the face and set me straight.

In addition, as part of this introspective exploration of my soul and conscience, I realize there are people I have wronged, and before I can ask forgiveness from them and God, I must forgive myself. There has been too much of a lustful and ungrateful trend in my life, I cannot call myself an honorable man by dishonoring others. There was a time, sitting by a campfire, my father and I began to talk about being knights in the modern world. Not necessarily the crusading, pillaging, raping, and murdering knights, but the idea of knighthood. Some say rules are confining and make life difficult to live. Personally, rules are there for a reason, and reasonable rules should be followed. If there were no rules, chaos and anarchy would rule, and regardless what some people think, that would not be pleasant. I want to be an honorable man, a good man, yet temptation remains there, and sin is, as it was since Cain killed Able, a force we cannot face alone no matter the self control we exhibit. Sex is everywhere, drugs are everywhere, it should not be surprise to see someone succumb to temptation, but rather a sympathetic reaction, never let someone who suffers, suffer alone.

Doing wrong is being human, too often I think there are people who react to wrong doing with disgust and revulsion. I cannot look down on someone who has done wrong, because in reality, if I was there, in their shoes, could I have stopped myself? I know we would like to think so, and in many cases we pride ourselves in our own strength because we feel we are greater in faith or a better Christian because we didn't give in to temptation. We all fall, there is no horse high enough to prevent you from falling until you are in God's house in Heaven. I am no better than a homeless man, no better than a whore, and no better than a drug addict. I can't trust myself, because myself will do wrong, instead I pray, "In God I trust" because in reality, He is the only one who can save me from me.