Through the Looking Glass

They say home is where the heart is, yet what if I don't really know where my heart is? Often times I find myself wondering what it is I want. There are always surprises when we look at ourselves and question weather or not we really did something with good intentions. At least I'm surprised sometimes. I've found that more often then not, I'm doing something because I imagine an end result that benefits me. As terrible as it is, the end result is hardly what I had desired, and I am glad for that. That is because if what I truly intended actually had happened, I'd probably have multiple STD's and have multiple illegitimate children in different states. So I thank God for not giving me what I wanted in these circumstances.

The unfortunate thing is that I don't often take the time to thank God for saving me from my own selfish desires. Being so caught up on all that surrounds me on this earth. Beautiful women especially, I have the privilege and honor to be related and friends with so many, I tend to get distracted. Swearing and using the Lords name in vain are common in my workplace, and at times I find my own speech melding into a similar direction, with little to no resistance on my part. Though I know God still smiles on me, even if I don't deserve it, for sending me those friends that can metaphorically slap me across the face and set me straight.

In addition, as part of this introspective exploration of my soul and conscience, I realize there are people I have wronged, and before I can ask forgiveness from them and God, I must forgive myself. There has been too much of a lustful and ungrateful trend in my life, I cannot call myself an honorable man by dishonoring others. There was a time, sitting by a campfire, my father and I began to talk about being knights in the modern world. Not necessarily the crusading, pillaging, raping, and murdering knights, but the idea of knighthood. Some say rules are confining and make life difficult to live. Personally, rules are there for a reason, and reasonable rules should be followed. If there were no rules, chaos and anarchy would rule, and regardless what some people think, that would not be pleasant. I want to be an honorable man, a good man, yet temptation remains there, and sin is, as it was since Cain killed Able, a force we cannot face alone no matter the self control we exhibit. Sex is everywhere, drugs are everywhere, it should not be surprise to see someone succumb to temptation, but rather a sympathetic reaction, never let someone who suffers, suffer alone.

Doing wrong is being human, too often I think there are people who react to wrong doing with disgust and revulsion. I cannot look down on someone who has done wrong, because in reality, if I was there, in their shoes, could I have stopped myself? I know we would like to think so, and in many cases we pride ourselves in our own strength because we feel we are greater in faith or a better Christian because we didn't give in to temptation. We all fall, there is no horse high enough to prevent you from falling until you are in God's house in Heaven. I am no better than a homeless man, no better than a whore, and no better than a drug addict. I can't trust myself, because myself will do wrong, instead I pray, "In God I trust" because in reality, He is the only one who can save me from me.