Waiting on a Moment

I've noticed through my days of life, though not many by any degree at only 19 years, things never go to plan. Most things I plan fall through, sometimes its worse then other times. I like to plan ahead sometimes, but other times, I don't want to get my hopes up. There are even times I feel like I put in more effort than those around me to make plans. I had, on the way back from  breakfast for dinner, a philosophical discussion with a friend of mine that ended in confusion, not because she didn't make sense, but because it made too much sense that it contradicted the way I thought. There are few people who can change my mind on things, and they usually have to present a pretty good case. There is one question I still don't understand, and that is how one can live selflessly and yet remain focused on making sure we don't fall below our own good. In a sense, if being a better person is developed from what experiences, choices, environments and various other factors, then how is it possible to live selflessly? Since in the end, trying to be selfless you are focusing on what you do, and therefore you are the main focus. Do you have to balance selfish thinking and humility? If so, what is the extent?

Beyond this question there are many different things. First, define being selfish, and second, what is good? Can every choice be considered black and white or is there a gray area? Before I confuse everyone though, perhaps I can get to another subject that has been on my mind for some time. Being confident in myself has led to giving up opportunities all around me. I've taken classes in public speaking and drama, even a few broadcasting classes. Yet I still find it hard to express myself fully. I don't trust many people, especially those who make no effort to be friends with me. I try to be a friendly and sociable most of the time, but there are some people who make it difficult, or find me at the wrong time. The wrong time being after hearing a little bit too much crap coming from people's mouths because they don't know what they are talking about.

What is it that separates me from someone else? Is it my looks, my personality, my attitude? What makes someone else better than me? I've asked myself this many times, especially after being told a significant other chooses to be with someone else. If I'm no good, and yet am told I am good, does that make me good? They say there are many fish in the sea, but there are only so many fish I can stand. I wish people could be a little more upfront with the way they think of you, it would set the foundation for any future relationship, be it friendly, romantic, or otherwise. I would want to be told, because if we don't realize what we do that affects people, and trust me, even the way people chew gum can have an effect on others. Regardless of weather we admit it or not, we all make the first impressions of people the moment we meet them. We take in everything we see and notice, their hair, their facial structure, their clothing, their stance, their eyebrows, their nose, etc... all in seconds of meeting them, and set them in our perspective as who we are. I'm right some of the time, but not always.

One of the reasons I love the television series Lie to Me, because its true, you can tell someones reaction to things based on the expression they display. I try hard to be nice, yet I find so often that being nice so often never gets me anywhere. As well it seems I reply the opposite of what I want to say. Sometimes I want to say the nastiest things, but instead don't and move on. This internal war of mine has been waged since I first realized what I might have gotten if I disobeyed the authority of God, my parents, and my own conscience. Growing up was easy, the hardest part was keeping my soul in tact. If anyone tells you that you should do something, ask yourself who it is that is asking. I follow the rules not because I'm afraid to break them, but because I have no fear of reprisal. That is not to say I have never broken the rules, or done something I regret, on the contrary, I can remember almost every time I've lied, cheated, or avoided the truth. Its nothing new for me to make mistakes, its the kind of mistakes you make and the process you go through to mend them.

Someone once asked me what I would do if I stood before God. I answered by saying that I would get on my hands and knees and wait for His judgment on my life. I'm not proud of everything I've done, and I have yet to do plenty. If there is one thing I have learned about my internal struggle it is that no matter what, the only place I can truly find a reinforcement for that better part of me is in the Holy Bible.