Good Men

The biggest thing I've noticed when growing up and something that I never noticed till after I developed into the person I am now. People have described me as "chivalrous" though I could not use such a deep word to explain me. To me, we are the product of our circumstance, our environment, our parents, and our friends. Without these we'd turn out into different people. Nothing would be the same. For many that is a good thing, but sometimes I feel that I needed to experience some of the wrong things growing up. While growing up doing the right thing was as natural as walking, not because it was inherent, but because that was what was expected of me. In that, could it be possible I set a bar of expectation for myself too high?

People say I'm one of the good guys and that I shouldn't be like all the other guys. Yet, in the end, it always feels like I finish last every time. There is very little I seem capable of winning, be it hearts, minds, games, or even a race. So I'll be the first to admit that it is difficult to do the right thing, seeing the winner on that first place pedestal and see me on the second or third. In addition to this, setting such an expectation of doing the right thing set me up to develop a knack for deception. I can look people in the face and lie, even shift blame onto someone else without anyone realizing it. This gives me the feeling of hypocrisy, and reading Dante's Infero as well as the Holy Bible, being a hypocrite is just as much a sin as any. As I said last week, I am no better than a homeless man, no better than a whore, and no better than an addict.

I love my family and my friends for being the people they are. A few can tell when I'm lying out of my teeth, others seem to be able to have undeniable faith in me, which I thank them for. It is never hard being me, it is simply complicated. This blog was meant to be personal, an inside look at what goes through my head almost every day. Are good people always strong? Not always I suppose, but I never want to let someone down. Every time I do something I know is wrong, everyone that sees me as good comes to mind. As a kid it was easy to be good, if I didn't put myself into a situation to make anyone upset with me, then I was good. Now, as I get older, it never feels black and white anymore.

Earlier this week I had a good friend of mine tell me there needed to be more people like me in the world. The statement made me feel appreciated and very good. I never intentionally fish for compliments, I find it distasteful to do so, but it always feels good to get a compliment. Never underestimate the power of a kind word. I am a horrid contradiction, for I love people and find them amazing, yet find myself disliking my internal struggles and griefs. What I fear is that what I give others as a representation of myself is merely a mask, and that the real me is hidden behind layers of what I want others to see.